How do I tell those I love, how scared I am? How much I don't want to leave them? Yes, the pain would end and I'd be in the arms of Jesus. Still, I worry how my family would cope...my husband...my kids...my Mom...Sister...friends.
I know this sounds morbid but I think about dying every night. I have dysautonomia, specifically POTS, and I struggle to breathe every day. Nighttime it's the worst. My heart rate jumps around from tachycardia to bradycardia. Dysautonomia is a dysfunction of the autonomic system, the system that automatically controls breathing, heart rate, temperature, blood pressure, pain, sleep, and digestion, among many things.
It's been a long time since I haven't had chest pain or shortness of breath. I used to sing all the time...dance..give monologues in plays. Now it's hard to read bedtime stories to my youngest son. I feel like a shell of myself.
I wake up gasping for breath. Sometimes I uncontrollably shake. It feels like drowning slowly. I have really bad insomnia now. Sometimes I go to sleep as the sun is rising. The pain, the air hunger...it terrifies me. Sleep is necessary but chronic fatigue is still there when I wake. It feels like my body falls into shock when I'm asleep. Mornings are hard. I'm thankful when I wake up. I'm grateful for another day to live with my husband and two boys.
I want to climb mountains...travel the world. However, short trips can put me in bed for days. I'm either in bed or sick in the bathroom. I'm starting to accept these limitations. I know I'll see amazing things when I go to Jesus. So if I spend the rest of my life in pain and mainly in bed, it is well with my soul. As long as I can still talk to my family and teach them. My life will still feel like it has a purpose.
I don't want to think about dying. I can't help my body is trying to kill me. Oh, praise God, when I get my new body. That will be the day. I just want all my loved ones to be there with me. I'd much rather be raptured with everyone than to die alone. God's will be done...whatever it is.
I'm only 35 but I've felt old and worn thin for many years now. My Dad died at 46 of Ehlers Danlos. So ten more years before I'm close. I can't imagine living like this for that long or even this crazy world not imploding by then. I believe Jesus is returning soon and that gives me hope that I may last until the rapture...so my family may not have to suffer me passing away.
I can't tell the future. I can only guess. Maybe the doctors will find a way to fix me and I'll be able to dance and sing again...with ease. Maybe everything will change. I've prayed for healing. It hasn't come. Maybe it will come at the perfect time. If so, it is well. If not, it is well. It will all be well with my soul. Who am I to question God?
Jesus went through worse, on purpose, to rescue me. I can see him gasping for breath on the cross...the crushing nerve pain from lack of oxygen. I understand those parts of his suffering. It is a small bit of fellowship in Christ's suffering. It is enough to know that He did what I would never do. I would never choose that pain. How can I question His love? It is so obvious. Jesus died to pay for MY sin. I'll happily go into His arms when He calls me. I must trust that the One who loves me so much, also loves my family and knows their needs. Lord, help me to trust.
I'm not a prophet. Maybe my family will die before me or we will all go together. I don't know. I fear everyone dying before me and being alone. I've already lost so many loved ones. However, nowadays, I do fear the pain of death for myself and I do worry about the grief my family would have to bear...especially my Mom. We've always said we'd have to go together. I pray my husband will turn to God. I pray my kids will know they are loved and follow the path I have shown them. I pray my guys will love each other and stay close. I have to trust that whatever God's will is, it will be good. God is good and His reasons are above what mere mortals can know.
So as I fall asleep I pray. I release my worries to God and I let go, wherever that may take me...Heaven or dreamland. I do this each night. Maybe everyone should do the same. We're not promised tomorrow or even the next second. It is appointed once that all men should die. Death is inevitable. If the Rapture takes many of us away, it will be the death of our old selves. So I believe everyone should prepare for that moment. I have Jesus. As long as I have Him, I'll never be alone. What about you? Where will you spend eternity? Will Jesus carry you in His arms into the pearly gates? Or will you in your rebellion walk alone to face Christ as your judge? Will He say He never knew you? I hope you'll join me and also know Jesus as your Lord and Savior.
Do you know Jesus as your savior? It's as easy as ABC. A-admit to God you're a sinner and need a savior, B-believe in your Heart that Jesus died on the cross and rose from the grave to save you, and C-confess Jesus as your Lord.
"That if thou shalt confess with thy mouth the Lord Jesus, and shalt believe in thine heart that God hath raised him from the dead, thou shalt be saved." Romans 10:9
In Jesus' Arms,
Amber Dover